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Mike Baxter’s Advice For Fellow Fathers


  





 

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Hello, loyal Outdoor Man customers. Mike Baxter here with some advice for fathers and father figures alike across the greater Denver area. 


I had the rare pleasure last Saturday of having the entire house to myself. The wife and kids were out shopping and I had the couch, a “Safaris Gone Wrong” marathon on Animal Planet, and a bag of moose jerky so big the sodium content could kill a moose.


Imagine my dismay when the doorbell rang just as the lion pride was closing in on a jeep full of tourists. Truthfully, I’ve been thinking about disconnecting our doorbell all together. It serves me no purpose. Historically, any stranger who rings your doorbell is either there to serve you a court summons or to tell you they’re your long-lost child. My answer is the same in any case: “I am not Mike Baxter.”


It turns out it was some pale, sniveling teenager, asking to see one of my daughters. After kicking him off the porch and slamming the door in his face, I thought about how much better my life would be if something could stop these clowns from getting to the door at all.  


Which brings me to today’s special at Outdoor Man. 20% off any of the following items, provided you’re using them to keep your kids’ unwelcome boyfriends off your property and off your mind. Because let’s face it, you’ve got enough to worry about.  


1. Taxidermy Tools. Grab a mounting kit and a bucket for your innards and set them on the grass out front. That’s the kind of lawn ornament that keeps on giving. And by giving, I mean giving that little punk horrific nightmares that ensures he never comes back.


2. Wood Chipper. I’m not saying use it. Just an exercise in suggestion. He’s probably seen Fargo.


3. Archery Targets. Print a few photos of the delinquent in question and tack them to the targets using some of our guaranteed razor-sharp throwing stars.


4. Animal Traps. You’ll want to go with a classic rope snare trap. Less blood than a bear trap to the leg and no ensuing lawsuit. Instead, just an idiot hanging by his ankle from a tree and an entire neighborhood to take photos and post them to Facebook.


God speed, Dads of Outdoor Man, and keep being the quietly menacing presence in the back of every teenage boy’s underdeveloped mind. A little vigilance and an ominous threat of violence is just what you need to maintain your happy and healthy home.